Special Commentary: The 2010 Oscars

My original plan was to take the whole morning off and watch the Oscars live on TV, but apparently I got the wrong memo about plans to broadcast it on one of the local channels. (I blame Willie Revillame.) Anyway, after I stopped pouting and complaining, I got down to business with the shenanigan-free CNN live blog - since I always save the commentary on the opening numbers and presenters for later - and after looking at the wire photos of all nominees from PopEater, this is how I ended up dress-wise:

(click for an enlarged photo) 

Okay, so I put up Maggie Gyllenhaal as #10 for the giggles (though, in fairness, pink lipstick with a Blue Hawaii print is never a good idea) but otherwise, I've never seen so many meh dresses all-around. Again, maybe it's my lack of fashion know-how talking, but all the grays and metallics and exact flesh-tone on flesh-tone have not been working for me, at all. It's telling how this is probably the first Oscars night where I've seen the fleshier women (Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique, and Queen Latifah) working their dresses and looking better than some of the average-sized actresses in the house... and the "regular" ones who look good (like Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz) seem to be the ones who have gained weight.

Also, when if I ever get nominated for an Oscar - or, really, if I end up attending any other major awards ceremony that could be televised - I am going to ask for a dress just like Mo'Nique's. I love how age-appropriate it is, while still looking very gorgeous. (Though I have to ask somebody here in the audience tonight: Did Monique Lhuillier design this? EDIT @8:09 PM: According to nymag.com, it's Tadashi Shoji.) 

I can defend my unpopular choices, though: I like Carey Mulligan's dress - in theory, not in execution - because the design is reminiscent of the best vintage couture. (See also: Filipino actress Anne Curtis in vintage Slim's.) Likewise with Anna Kendrick, who just lost more points in terms of color choice than on the dress itself. Meryl, of course, is Meryl, so I'm just happy that she has shown up looking as un-frumpy as possible. And, yes, Kate Winslet looks like a tin can, but: Remember when she wore that green dress (was it Givenchy x Alexander McQueen?) while Helen Hunt wore a similar tin-can-looking Gucci gown?  I've always felt - even back then - that Kate and Helen would've looked better if they switched dress designs, so I think that the dress Kate is wearing now is basically serving as karmic payback for that moment.

Some notes: 

- Guys, why so much tonsorial FAIL? I cannot even begin to describe my sadness over seeing Peter Sarsgaard as a bald man - which is, possibly, the single biggest waste of hair since Jeff Bridges went for the cue-ball look in Iron Man - but that's nothing compared to seeing Zac Efron, who eerily resembles a Ryan Seacrest clone. And... good gravy, Judd Nelson really looks like death warmed over, doesn't he?

- That said: I would have lumped Jeremy Renner in the Hair FAIL category, too - what is up with the goatee? - except that I would totally make out with him (pending approval from my new boyfriend) now that Peter has gone bald. Also, Ryan Reynolds is looking particularly hot right now... and so is Colin Firth, who will always be marvelous to me for as long as he keeps his hair.

- Hair FAIL, female division: Tina Fey; Vera Farmiga; and J.Lo (eeek!).

- Kristen Stewart is wearing black. Yes, it's a Monique Lhuillier, but: snore.

- Faith Hill: Tremenduously boring. Also, her makeup looks super creepy up close. Trust me on this one, everybody.

- Another person with scary makeup: Sarah Jessica Parker, who looks even more like an alien in that Chanel couture gown. Poor thing, but that's what she gets for aligning herself with pure evil. 

- And since we're talking makeup, I'm just surprised by how meh the makeup has been this year. Penelope Cruz and Nicole Richie both got the whole smoky-eyeliner thing right, but that's because it's expected of them. Obviously I'm not feeling the bright lipstick thing on everyone else, which I think could only look good on somebody wearing a neutral outfit like Sandra Bullock (and could've helped Anna Kendrick by miles) - otherwise, a bright gown always goes better with more natural tones on the face, as in the case with Gabby Sidibe. But I guess I'm expecting too much?

- Dear Charlize Theron: The creators of this cake need to have a word with you. Also, the folks from the Wilton company called to remind you that the Dessert Decorator Pro(TM) is not recommended for use on evening gowns. Kthxbai.

- Since my entire family is finally over Miley Cyrus, it's about time I finally said this: Girlfriend is definitely overrated, and has TERRIBLE posture.

That's it, folks!

EDITED (@5:37 PM) to add this: Good gravy, what is UP with that gardenia corsage in Mo'Nique's hair? That's just plain foolishness! Points off, but not by much by virtue of the dress. And also, I refuse to acknowledge Demi Moore's dress - as hot as she is - because there's just no excuse for the tan-on-tan color scheme. ICK. 

And, as a bonus: Enjoy Allure's slideshow on the Top 9 Big-Screen Beauty Moments of 2010!