Domesticity Halloween Spectacular 2010

A note from Meimei: 
Now, here's a Halloween entry for you, chock full of shocking revelations and terrifying twists. Unfortunately, I had to put this entry under a break due to the sensitive nature of its contents - especially when you consider  that the bulk of this entry contains memos and documents retrieved from the offices of TLC Southeast Asia (and/or possibly hallucinated by yours truly during a Dairy Milk binge) which may prove to be extremely scandalous. If you have a low tolerance for scandal (and/or satire), proceed at your own risk...


...And by the way, these notes work best if you could imagine them being read aloud by the memo-writers themselves. Happy Halloween!!!

****

To my new friend Bob Blumer:

This is to inform you that I have received the full shipment of all the hideous shirts that you used to wear on The Surreal Gourmet and the first two seasons of Glutton for Punishment. I am sure that these terrible outfits will be helpful in my renewed efforts to be mean towards people once again.

As per the terms of our deal, I have included the following essentials for your (unpublicized and totally non-sponsored) trip to the Philippines, which - along with a fat stack of travelers' checks and petty cash for jeepney fare - will prove to be more helpful than you may realize at this point.

• Claude Tayag's phone number, for those times when your protein-loading needs can only be fulfilled by a smoking-hot plate of sisig.
• Zane Lamprey's phone number, in case you get lost trying to look for that province where they make industrial-strength lambanog.
• A pair of high-quality fighting sticks. Trust me, you do NOT want to challenge a kitchen full of angry Filipino foodies. You would be better off practicing eskrimainstead. 
• A black book full of decent tapsilog places in Metro Manila. I hear that King Ginno's has gone straight to hell after my visit, so you can ask Meimei about hanging out at Rufo's when you get the chance. C'mon, it's not like you can't make tapsilog out of all that reindeer back in Canada.
• Finally - and most important of all - the GPS coordinates to Hacienda de Meimei. We are, after all, talking about the future mother of your ramen-haired children.  

Wishing you the best of luck... and for the love of Marco Pierre White, stay the f*** away from the red light district.

Sincerely,
Tony Bourdain

ps. Don't forget to drop off all that durian and balut on Adam Richman's doorstep before you go.

****

Dear Bob,

Remember: the durian and balut is for Adam Richman, not Andrew Zimmern. The last time somebody made that mistake, Robert Irvine did not get his job back for years. No one would want to wish that kind of fate for you.

Mabuhay,
Andrew Zimmern

****

To my boys Mr. Bourdain and Mr. Zimmern: 

Just so you know, I'm also going to the Philippines to make sure that the Canuck learns how to do eskrima properly. 

Also, thank you for hooking me up with Miss Venus Raj. Hello, damn fine woman who loves her spicy hot chicken wings!

Peace out,

Mr. Jones

****

Hi Bob,

I finally met Zane Lamprey. We're going to Vegas. That's all you need to know.

By the way, we found your stash of bourbon in the dishwasher. What happened to the salmon?

Happy trails,
Kevin B.

****

Dear Zane:

...Oh, wait, I'm the one who gave you the keys to the Toaster Mobile.

Also: If you wrap the salmon in tinfoil, and put it on the engine block instead of the dishwasher, it won't taste like ass.

Go knock yourselves out,

Bob

****

Dear Surreal Canadian Much Hotter Other Bob:

I am NOT jealous that you are going to visit the Philippines. In fact, I am TOTALLY NOT BITTER AT ALL that you will get to hang out with Meimei while I'm stuck here enjoying my time in the Middle East and working on my own version of borek.

Anyway, I was hoping that you were going to save one of your loud shirts for me. But since that's not happening, I'm OK with getting your hairstylist from the old Surreal Gourmet series instead.  

Suwertehin ka sana,

Bobby Chinn

ps. Bourdain was so not joking about the red light district. Especially the one in Makati. *shudder*

****

Dear people, 

Let me clarify all of this, once and for all: 1) Meimei and I broke up a long time ago; and 2) Bob and I both agree that using your engine block to cook salmon is an awesome idea. But I'm glad that the two of them are together, and I wish them all the best. Now please stop dedicating this song to me. 

Aloha,
Dave Lieberman

****

Hey Alton, 

Do NOT send those Size 3 polyester shirts from Canada to my wardrobe department again, EVER. The next time I catch you and your people doing this, I WILL MAKE YOU WEAR THEM.

(Dis)respectfully yours,

Guy Fieri

****

Dear Adam,

We just heard that you got a very generous shipment of durian and balut the other day. Are you happy now? 

Your friend,

FOOD

****

Mr. Fietty, my man: 

You know how we've been talking about you coming over to my place to hang out? Guess what - the big game's coming up, I'm cooking up some bratwurst, and there's also this exotic tropical fruit smoothie recipe that I've been working on in the last few days... 

Seriously, dude. Come over. It'll be awesome. 

Adam

****

G'day, Bob - 

You should really come and hang out with me and DiSpirito in Boracay. Lots of sun, sand, seafood and beautiful scenery - not to mention all the San Miguel Beer you can drink. Besides, we could really use more help cracking all these coconuts.

Wish you were here, 

Curtis Stone

ps. Just saw Alton Brown coming off the boat today; is it me, or did I just see him wearing one of your old shirts?

****

Dear Curtis:

Did you just say Rocco DiSpirito San Miguel Beer? Booking a flight to Boracay ASAP. 

XOXO,
Samantha 

****

B, my friend -

I have to raise my glass to you, mate. Going to the Philippines, getting married to a blogger - I tell you, congrats and mad propers for doing that. Let me tell you, though: this domesticity thing, it'll be good for you. Ask Bourdain, ask Gordon Ramsay - hell, I should know, I've been married for longer than you've been on and off the telly, so you know where I'm getting here, right? First up, there's going to be people out there digging up shite about your personal life, and we wouldn't want those wankers from the press to start on that. Then you've got the tossers accusing you of selling out and going all crazy-stylee just because you've got this new life and all. So here's my advice: Wife and fam - very important right now. It's not like you'll have time to drive that bloody toaster around North America right now, especially if you're going to end up dressed as a legume. That kind of stuff can always wait.

And if you ever need to hang out, you know, we can always go down to the pub for a few pints. That's how I get along with your Uncle Tony.

Cin cin,
Jamie

****