Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I Feel P(r)etty, Oh So P(r)etty

Dear Colleague:

I just want to let you know right off the bat that I don't think you're a bad person. Really. In fact, I actually think that you're fun to hang out with outside of class. Lately, however, I was beginning to worry that you've become quite a pill. I understand that you may actually have a legitimate reason to be frustrated. I also understand that it's OK if I don't seem to agree with you about everything. But I think I've finally hit on the real reason why I've been frustrated with you lately:


Sure, maybe you do think there's nothing wrong with your eyebrows - but let's face it, your eyebrows have been arched quite severely, to the point where they do make you look angry and in major need of Botox. Not to mention that they've been colored in such a way that they almost - ALMOST - look tattooed. It doesn't make you look sexy so much as it makes you look like an angsty drag queen.
Which is even more sad, considering the field that we're in as teachers. Our students aren't asking us to be model-perfect every time, but they're pretty good at reading faces - and if they can look at you and see somebody they can trust, the satisfaction you get from that is almost as good as a salary raise. Many of the teachers I know - and some you probably know as well - have built careers out of creating that kind of connection with their students, even if they sometimes suck at creating the same relationship with their peers and administrators. So when you find yourself in a class where you think you've got a good classroom going, and suddenly you get a picture of yourself as the Wicked Witch of the West... it's heartbreaking.
So why your eyebrows? Because, combined with your personality, your features, and the way you carry yourself, they seem to put across a very negative image of yourself. Come on, you say, I've seen teachers with worse eyebrows than me and they have a better time than I do. That's true... but these same teachers also make a point to smile once in a while, make a few jokes, and don't always come across as whiny even when they do have negative things to say. And I know you're going to bring up the "just-because-I'm-not-local" point once again, but again: irrelevant. And all because of an aesthetic decision that, literally, makes you look like a very bitter haole.
That's why I have to break the news to you. That's why I want you to go above and beyond what you're already dealing with on the eyebrow front. If they're all your handiwork, you'll need more than the $10 job that you're likely to get at Supercuts or the nail salon. You'll need an honest-to-goodness makeup professional to look at you - seriously - and tell you what you really need to do with those eyebrows. Or if you think you can't afford to have that kind of service, haul yourself to Sephora and get yourself an eyebrow kit - the store's house brand has a decent eyebrow kit for $35. Come to think of it, while you're out there, go grab yourself a bronzer and a lip gloss to perk you up a little bit. There, there, isn't it all better?
Take care now,


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