Hello, I'm Stellan Skarsgard.
While Meimei has no shame about crushing on me (especially after Mamma Mia! and my bashing of Dan Brown), I am here to discuss my son, Alexander.
(pauses sinisterly, as if to contemplate certain death for anyone who confuses Alex with Peter Sarsgaard)
You probably have already seen him wear that horrific blond wig for his role in True Blood, so there's no need to see it now. Nor is it time for you to watch that Lady Gaga video that he starred in... unless you really do need to watch a grown woman dancing around while wearing what appears to be a combination of Mickey Mouse ears and stainless steel lingerie.
Instead, I have asked Meimei to share with you some of his earlier pictures from when he was only the sexiest actor working in Sweden.
Yes, these pictures are nothing like the filthy, badly-accented vampire that you are used to seeing on your television screens right now. (Ed's note: The Philippines is currently on Season 1 of True Blood; check listings for Cinemax Asia and/or HBO Asia for details.) Admit it, though: You do find him so alluring, do you not? You may even be surprised by your own urges to touch his own real-life head of hair, which seems so soft and silky compared to that hairpiece. And you, like the vampire-averse authoress of this blog, would like to see him - and I quote - "wearing less clothes more often."
And while I do not want to begrudge your feelings towards my own flesh and blood, I also know that you are thinking the same thing that I do: What on EARTH is this boy doing for his anti-aging regimen?
Look at me, again, and tell me if my genetic contribution has anything to do with dear Alex having such excellent skin throughout his career. Do I look like I actually encourage my boy to feast on the blood of vestal virgins?
Now if you will excuse me, I need to compile some recommendations for a good moisturizer.