Friday, June 17, 2011

The Case for Your Dermatologist, Part 2

Dear members of the male species - and especially every single member of The List, because we all know that you need to hear this:

It has come to my attention that there has been a lot of speculation about certain habits and predilections that you prefer to keep in secrecy. We know that you have not, and will continue to refuse, to address these matters in public when pressed for comment. We also understand that you need your privacy, and you in turn would understand that, in a fair and just world, we ladies would never judge you at all for being up front about this matter, so to speak. In fact, after all these years of waiting and wondering, we may even applaud you for your refreshing candor.

But seriously, we just want to know...

Are you really, truly, honest-to-Dog taking care of your ACNE????

Dudes, we're not telling you to take your cues from Justin Bieber; that would be creepy. But let's be honest here: it's one thing to figure out why your hormones are betraying you at 17... and another matter altogether to get past your 30th birthday by refusing to acknowledge your ongoing love/hate relationship with those angry red spots on your face.

What we're trying to tell you here is that none of you - repeat, NONE OF YOU - are too macho to deal with your own damn pimples. Acne, in other words, is God's way of telling you that you are NOT Chuck Norris.

Oh, sure, go ahead and complain about the guys in your age and/or tax bracket who do take care of their own skin; call them out for their vanity and meticulousness when it comes to zit-zapping. Girly boys, you say? Not after you look at this guy:
(click on picture to see larger image; all of my attempts to crop this have been futile.)
Let me present to you one Mr. Edward Westwick, seen here working on a photo shoot in Manila for Penshoppe. Yes, Ed freaking Westwick, who plays your friend Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl. (Oh, don't play like you don't know what we're talking about here! We know you love it!) Everyone who worked with him in Manila will tell you that not only was Ed a total professional during the photo shoot - and a real sweetheart in person, to boot - but that his skin was so clear and perfect that he only needed a little concealer to cover the eyebags from all that jet lag. We wish we were lying to you, since many advertising agencies here are guilty of Photoshop abuse, but we've seen the before-and-afters and we can say for sure that the behind-the-scenes folks are not lying. We even saw TV footage of Ed stepping out of the plane with a serious five o'clock shadow and a layer of humid-weather condensate, and still there was nary an angry zit in sight. NONE.

You might think that all of this is hooey, but we are totally not joking when we tell you that taking care of your acne will make life easier for you and the rest of us. Consider this: Less problematic skin equals less makeup used to cover up said problematic skin, which also equals less time and money wasted on Photoshopping said problematic skin for official photographs. And less Photoshopping equals a significant decrease in the probability that your pictures will make you look like a creepy spatula.

And if you think that your life does not require Photoshopping, consider this: Sooner or later, you will need to go to job interviews, meet up with clients, and go on dates. Long story short, you will meet a lot of new people in your life, and they will judge you the minute you walk into that door; the last thing these people want is to think of you as a sweaty, lonesome shut-in who can't function around other human beings. Sounds familiar? Well, guess what: welcome to our world.

We repeat: There is no such thing as being too macho to deal with your acne. Man up, buddy, because the ride's not going to get any easier from here.

PS. The only thing worse than acne on a guy? BACNE. Oh, don't think for a moment that we will never notice that sort of thing, because we do. We're on to you, men. We are so onto you.

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