The Case Against the "Hollywood Issue"

Meimei, sweetie, honey... am I so glad to see you. Yeah, I haven't visited in a while. Yeah, it's because, um, I'm busy. Working on a movie. Yeah, that's it...

Wait a minute: Is this about Vanity Fair's Hollywood Issue? You're not upset about not finding it anywhere in town, is it? I mean, I can see why Times Supermarket is still stocking the one with Lindsay on the cover, but... You mean you saw it in Barnes and Noble but didn't get to browse through it because they covered it in plastic? Gee. People these days, man.

Oh, I get it, it's about the whole deal with me tied up in ropes, is it? Baby, I know you thought of the Japanese bondage idea first, but you've got to understand... I told them it was your idea, sweetie. I guess I didn't explain myself well because the photographer must've thought I was talking about Maggie when I mentioned that my "hot, intelligent girlfriend" likes it. Or Jake. Whatever. It was kinda smurfy. The way he was acting, I mean. But I thought it was genius, babe! And so much sexier than what that pervy hack Tom Ford really wanted me to do. I swear, I'm so glad I didn't have to go with it; otherwise that would've been me in a pool of gold paint and live honey bees while groping some random ho's ta-tas.

Mei. Meeeeei. Come here. You know you're the sexy one here. Everything that comes between those pretty little ears of yours is just so. hot. Baby, who made you smile when People forgot to mention me in their Sexiest Man Alive issue? Who made your day after Edward Norton took you out for tea and bored you to death with his latest screenplay? Hm? And you've done so much for me, putting up with my bra-challenged, publicist-approved Hollywood "girlfriend" and my unwatchably hot indie movies. Who loves ya, baby? Come here, bunny. Papa bear wants some sugar...

Oh, all right then. I'll go ahead and call Aaron Sorkin first thing tomorrow morning and tell him it was your idea for me to try out for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. And after that, I promise you, we'll go out to Wailana Coffee Shop and we'll have all the pancakes and bacon we can stand. Then I'll take you out to the beach and we'll crank-call the producers of Dancing With the Stars 3 to con them into auditioning Maggie and Ed Norton for their show. How's that? Just for you, baby.

EDIT: Don't know about you, but Mei thinks my picture here makes me look a little bit like Lane Davies, don't you think? No wonder she likes me so much, because apparently I seem to share the same "sexy bitch" genes with Mason Capwell from Santa Barbara, which she used to watch every freaking day back when she was 12. And y'all know Mei never really thought she'd see her favorite soap of all time mentioned here in this blog, right? Or that she'd admit to crushing on Mason after years of thinking that Cruz Castillo was cuter. Okay, guys, I'll show myself out the door.