Saturday, February 11, 2006

The Case Against Watching TV in Hawaii

First up: You know that girl in the Oceanic Time Warner Digital Phone commercials? The one who has "a cousin inSanJose" who likes how she doesn't have to "worry... about how much... we'regonnapay" for long distance? Yeah, her. Yeah, I'm aware that she could actually be a really nice person in real life. But her voice... andherweird... speakingpatterns (what, since when did Horatio Caine become a vocal coach?)... is driving me nuts, and if she has to tell me about how she has "a loooot of friends in Seattle" one more time, I will probably have to use my strappy sandals to beat my TV to death.

Second: The next time you watch TV here in Honolulu and find yourself gritting your teeth through a commercial with an interminably long and twee-sounding jingle, it may make you sad to know that there is just That One Guy whom everybody turns to for commercial jingles. I'm not kidding. Don't take my word for it, though; I've heard about this from many other folks who have tried to get a commercial on TV and found themselves in a meeting with That Guy and his "Place Company Name Here" approach to advertising. The sad part is, you can always tell who used That Guy to write their jingle. Really. Just try watching TV some time, pick out any three commercials for local companies with music that you come across, and... bingo.

Third: Shut up, commercials for Sensually Yours. I swear, could the girl narrating your commercials about "letting your imagination... rruuunnn wiiiiild!" be any less sexy? For crying out loud, people, you're an otherwise decent lingerie store that just happens to sell sex toys, hooker shoes, and porn. The last thing you want is a bored-sounding narrator who can't even sell it like the rent was due in an hour.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: No joke, Sensually Yours really is a decent place to get lingerie, especially if you can't find a place that sells in your size - like Frederick's, except kinkier. That still doesn't excuse the fact that the other stuff is all front and center when you walk in, so consider yourself advised.]

Fourth: Who do I have to bitch-slap to make our news anchors a lot less shouty? One thing I noticed about KITV and KHON (with the exception of Joe Moore, who is at least entertaining in a "this close to an on-camera freakout" kind of way) is that their anchors and reporters speak in modulated tones, unlike the ones in the other stations where they sound like carny announcers trying to sucker - I mean entice - viewers into watching the newest Car! Crash! Victim! On Kalanianaole! Highway! and awww-ing over Michelle Wie's latest elimination from tournament play. Again, try it some time - you can always tell.

Okay, I gotta log off before Drew Lachey starts generating more HoYay! with George Hamilton.

UPDATE, 10:27 PM: Ever since I wrote about Digital PhoneGirl, the commercial came on a couple more times during Dancing with the Stars and her segments in the commercial became less irritating, believe it or not. Which then reminded me about another Hawaii-only commercial, albeit one that actually makes me smile: KFC Hawaii's parody of Lost, complete with Samoan Hurley, Engrish-Speaking Jin, Fake Shannon and a guy who looks so much like the real Locke that I wondered if they ever thought about hiring Terry O'Quinn for the sequel for this ad. Paging Ryan and Jen!

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