The Case Against Watching TV in Hawaii, Part 2

Okay, now that I've given you that mental image of Peter Sarsgaard and Nancy Lee Grahn macking on each other in a Jacuzzi... on second thought, I'm still going through a major cranky phase, so let me go on this rant and I'll be happy.

Ah, KGMB-9 News. Hawaii's “Severe Weather” Station and CBS affiliate. How many ways do I hate thee? Or should I say, where the heck do I begin?

Is it the shoutiness? Is it the way that Kim Gennaula - whose shrieking-harpy voice, BTW, just made me throw a coffee mug at my television last night - fawns cloyingly over Michelle Wie like a particularly obnoxious stage auntie? (Dammit, even Joe Moore didn't suck up to Jasmine and Camille that much.) Is it the way Guy Hagi is turning into Guy Camera Hog-i? Or is it that super-boring Cedric “Not Related to Jade” Moon, who not only sounds like he's getting elocution lessons from David Caruso, but also reports like he couldn't care less about this stupid town and can't wait for the station to fire his smug, bitchfaced ass, like, right now? (And, apparently, judging by his absence on the KGMB site, the Powers That Be may already have. Or not. But I'll just leave that kind of speculation to the folks at Talk Stink instead.)

Seriously, it all starts with the shoutiness, which gets ten times more annoying when you realize that the 6 PM newscast is the lead-in to the ultimate in shouty non-cable/ non-infomercial programming, The Insider. (I seriously bemoan the fact that Lara Spencer left Antiques Roadshow for this swill, because she was a whole lot classier talking up auctioneers than Mark L. Walberg would ever be.) And it's even more startling when you compare the newscast to everything else that's currently being aired on this station. Yes, even the museum-quality reruns of Hawaiian Moving Company.

It's just too bad, because there are a lot of things I actually like about their newscast when I don't get a chance to turn it off. Jim Mendoza and Keahi Tucker, for example, who both manage to come out with discernibly pleasant personalities in spite of the shoutiness. And the sports desk, which seems to have picked up on the exact blend of local and classy that Neil Everett now brings to SportsCenter. (I'm biased because I share a few non-news acquaintances with both Liz Chun and Steve Uyehara, but I'd still enjoy watching these guys even if I didn't know much about them.) Then there's Jeff Booth, who reminds me so much of Sean Murray - yes, McGee from NCIS - that I'm surprised nobody has used their resemblance to each other as a cross-promo opportunity. (And, heck, if Triumph the Insult Comic Dog could get away with doing weather for KHNL, why not let McGee do the same for the Severe Weather Station?) Even Guy Hagi has his moments when he's very relaxed and not trying too hard to be cute.

And let's not forget the whole package that they did on Jade Moon donating a kidney to her dad, which could have been cheesy but turned out to be very emotional... and, ultimately, a nice way to say goodbye, for both Jade and the station.

Now, if only we could perform the equivalent of a living-donor organ transplant - or, better yet, a live on-air colonic cleansing - to get rid of the more annoying aspects of the newscast...